the condom got lost in my hair
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
