Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
