The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
