I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
