Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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