Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
They are going to name an STD after you.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
