so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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