I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
