Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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