If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
