we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
