just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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