this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Randomize
