i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
