where does the pee come out of this thing
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
