My room smells like vodka and shame
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize