I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
