I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
