How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Randomize
