I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
