I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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