I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
