My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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