I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Randomize
