All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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