I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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