Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
