Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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