I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
