im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Ladies don't puke and tell
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
