Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
