just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
