FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
