You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
