if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize