Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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