You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
