fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
