his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
