Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
