I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
