making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
