is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
