You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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