so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
