I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
two words: eviction party
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Dignity is for republicans.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
