how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
