Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
