I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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