Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
