The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
