guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
