i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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