Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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