If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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