Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
