So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
