Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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