I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
And then my night got REAL pukey
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
